Scott Tracey Young adult author. Professionally Sarcastic.

Christopher Pike Raised Me

So in the midst of the #yalitchat last night about men who write YA, I ended up in the most hysterical conversation with (who else) but Lisa Roecker, Saundra Mitchell, and others.  All about dear Mr. Pike, and the way that he traumatized raised me.

Don’t believe me?  Here’s a few of the things I learned from Christopher Pike.

Whisper of Death:

If you have sex, you will die.

If you have sex, and get pregnant, you will die.

If you have sex and get pregnant with some sort of demon baby, she will kill you with a pitchfork after killing all your friends.

Life lesson: Abstinence is better than a pitchfork through the chest.

Bury Me Deep

Scuba diving will kill you. Horribly.

The bends are the worst thing ever.

Don’t go scuba diving.  Ever.

EVER.

Life lesson: You were born on land for a reason.

The Immortal:

If you ever eat a hamburger you didn’t prepare yourself, you will die.

You would never know if someone put ground up glass in your hamburger.

Eating ground up glass is terrible for you.  Almost as bad as eating fruit.

Life lesson: Girls who used to be immortal  may look like a great choice for a BFF, but they aren’t immortal anymore for a reason.

Scavenger Hunt:

Scavenger hunts are deadly serious business.

If you ever take part in a scavenger hunt, someone is probably going to die.

It’s probably going to be you.

Also, avoid girls who are possessed by animals.

Life lesson: When one of the items on your list is “your immortal soul” or “all of your blood” it’s a safe bet that you should stay at home.  Every night.  For the rest of your life.

Last Act:

Never, ever join the school play.  Never steal an actress’s spotlight.

If you join a group of friends and they already have in-jokes that you don’t get, chances are they have horrible, nightmare-inducing secrets about things that happened last summer, and if you find out the truth they will have to kill you.

On stage.  Probably in your underwear.

Life Lesson: Do not talk to drama kids.  Do not risk their ire.

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